Now Or Never
by DeMoKa
Summary: River contemplates being 20 and her love for Inara... femslash


**From the prompt: Time Heals All Wounds**

**And yes, I know my River/Inara fics don't seem to correspond with the prompts… XP **

My age. River is older. I am River. I am older. How old? 20. I am of 2 decades. I have existed on this earth for 2 decades. What is that for Inara? It has been three years since she finally got over the Captain. Mal. Bad, in the Latin. Captain Mal. Captain Mal Reynolds. He's okay. He let's me fly Serenity because Wash is no longer able to look after her. Kaylee and I, we care for Serenity. We watch out for any little thing that might happen.

My age! I am 20 and Inara, I don't know how old Inara is. She could be as ageless as the moon. River would not know, I would not know. The crew, even Simon have slight wrinkles, that only I can detect. I tried to point Simon's out to him once. He didn't believe me. What one can't see, one tends not to believe in. Unfortunate. No one knows. I lack the knowledge and they can't give it to me. I want to know. But I want her more.

They think my thoughts are more gathered now. It's not that. I have just learned to block out the more unpleasant things. I still hear the voices, usually at night, when everyone else is asleep. Those silent voices, they haunt me. I will never forget. But she is my light. She guides me out. She doesn't know it yet, but at the same time I think she does. I know she does. She watches me sometimes. I watch her too, when she bathes. She doesn't need the water, the light does just well a job. I like the water, I like the light. I love Inara. She is pure poetry.

I think that now I can ask. I can ask for what I want. I was told to wait. I have waited. I want her now. I want her to be mine. I can make everything and anything happen for her. I can do nothing and remain silent and still for her... Where am I? Oh the bridge. I forgot. The security. I must check Serenity's locks. She is too trusting sometimes, letting in unwanted leeches and pilferers. Sometimes she lets Jayne on too. I often have to ask her why, but then I know why.

Jayne is funny. I tell him things and he turns pale. It's ever so amusing. Inara chuckles too sometimes. I take these moments to catch her eye. Sometimes she keeps my glance, sometimes she turns away as if burned. What burns? My eyes? Mal's eyes? Mal's eyes shouldn't matter. Perhaps it is Simon. I've told him to leave me alone more often now. Alone. I don't want to be alone. I want Inara.

Her door is closed, but there is no signal of her entertaining a client. I prickle. My skin. It's... it tingles whenever I think about Inara and her clients. My skin. My heart. It beats louder and my pulse races. I know that Inara is important. To me, to my body. I feel it with every fiber. I shall be her hands, I shall brush her hair. I peep into her room. She doesn't know I'm there.

- River. Honey, close the door behind you.

I freeze, staring at my feet. She knew. She knew and I didn't know that she knew. I failed. I am no Seer.

- River. Honey. Please. I need to tell you something.

I glance up, she has only just turned, gasping a little. I babble apologies, I don't know what to say, yet I know everything I want to say.

- The lights. They refract. I'm blind! It's dark. I need the light! I'm scared.

I grasp her around her waist, inhaling her scent, trying to calm myself. I breath harder and more rapidly. I can't control it. I can't stop it. I'm powerless.

- And thus the floodgates burst

My eyes. I feel them burning. Shouldn't water lessen the burn? I try not to focus on the pain. All this time, Inara has held onto me. Her arms are soothing. Her hands run themselves through my hair. I want this. I press my face harder against her. She kneels, pulling me down to sit in her lap on the lush carpet. It's soft. She's soft.

- Don't make me go. Please don't make me go. So alone. So alone. I fear myself there.

Inara doesn't answer, she just keeps stroking my hair. I lean into the touch. She hesitates ever so slightly, but I caught it. I realise I'm shivering, then I feel her lips. They come into contact with my hands, my cheeks. They are soft, as much as I imagined and not.

- I want to heal you.

She stiffens. I cry out.

- I'm wrong! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm...

She silences me with a kiss. Her lips kiss my lips. I am lost. The water falls and the gap closes. The water, it falls, no splashes. The surface is not disturbed. My tentatively touch her tongue with mine. She strokes mine with hers. I moan. I hold her hips. It feels too logical. I fear the hands of blue, two by two. I love her hands of gentle. Her hands of sweet, they I love. She alone with me. Inara. I whisper her name.

- My love. Let me be your time.

- Time heals all wounds. I waited and here you are River.

- No, I waited. Time is no longer my master. Time has no hold over you. The Captain has no hold over you.

Inara regarded me with a look of confusion. I stare back intently. She smiles.

- Oh River.

- I'm sorry I took so long to grow up. I'm sorry for the longest time and for the longest things and the longest reasons. My fluttering and wandering. Yet you've brought me back. Can we merge the broken pieces to a whole?

-Yes River. I think we can. We have plenty of time.

I feel calm. It is strange, but pleasant. Her arms, they are so soft yet so strong and I feel secure. Security is what Serenity needs, but tonight, I need it more. Perhaps I can use the moment and show Inara my love for her. She said we have time.

**Well, I dunno. You tell me. I wrote this a long time ago and well… I personally think River's thoughts are still much too broken and random. But hey. I hope you enjoyed this fic anyways! **


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